Radical Kindness: An excerpt from “Firefighter Zen”
A fellow firefighter once told me that people remember firefighters not for their big red trucks or their bravery, but rather for their kindness.
And for us, for every time life asks us, Are you brave?, life offers a hundred opportunities to be kind.
Indeed, personally, I think the road to “enlightenment” isn’t only turning inward with meditation, but turning outward toward the world with “radical kindness.” This is choosing daily to seek out opportunities to be kind, to make kindness your first impulse. Time spent being kind, searching out moments to be kind, will crack the universe open and teach us about ourselves and where we fit.
Radical kindness involves three principles: Do it daily, keep your ego out of it, and don’t expect reciprocity.
1. Do It Daily
First, find daily moments to be kind, seek them out, plan for them to happen. Notice the door that needs to be opened, the woman in a rush whom you can let cut in front of you, or the child lost in the store. These moments are endless; we just need to see and seize them. These acts often take only seconds or minutes, and they require only a shift in our perspective.
2. Keep Your Ego Out of It
Have you ever held a door for someone who rushes by and says nothing? Did you feel slighted or put down, maybe a little invisible? That’s your ego speaking.
Our egos are like balloons being inflated. Left unchecked, they will grow and take over our lives, until, you guessed it, something bursts them (which, trust me, will happen). An inflated ego gets upset if it’s not immediately thanked and appreciated. “Wait,” the ego says, “how can you not thank me for my brilliant act of kindness!? I opened a door for you!”
Our egos believe the world revolves around them. The ego is the self, weaponized: It defends, it attacks, it rationalizes, it lies. Its job is to protect you from any wounds, real or imagined.
When others cut in front of you on the interstate, beware of your ego: Is it really important for you to be one more car length ahead? Or is it more valuable and helpful — and egoless — to let the driver in?
3. Don’t Expect Reciprocity
Let go of the idea of reciprocity. Altruistic reciprocity — I will do something good for you with the understanding that there will be payback — is built into human nature. The reward for radical kindness is the act itself. The reward is that we’ve helped someone in need and that is enough.
We will not be perfect at this, and perfection is not the point. The point is learning the impact on ourselves and others through our acts of kindness. The point is expanding our sense of self, growing that sense that we are making a difference, however small, in this universe.
Field Notes: Acts of Kindness
1. The practice, if you are so inclined, is to pursue an act of kindness (or more) each day.
2. These acts don’t have to be grand gestures; little actions work.
3. Recall the three principles of radical kindness:
• Do it daily: Be intentional. Consciously look for opportunities to act in someone else’s interest.
Simple actions done for someone else can make a big difference.
• Keep your ego out of it: Be forgiving.
People are busy, people are self-involved. There is little we can do about that. But when we shift from
“me-centered” to “other-centered” for a few moments, we can experience being “egoless.” It is a powerful and positive feeling. Open the door and don’t worry about being thanked.
• Don’t expect reciprocity: The goal is to be a positive force in the world, regardless of the consequences.
4. Make it a habit. We can find simple pleasure every day by being kind.